I don’t know why, just cause....
When daddy was pretty close to dying at hospice we had several moments alone. I inquired about his comfort level. He shared his anticipation of going home.
We said everything we needed to say in our living. I kept very little from him. Some might say he was honest with me to a fault. Peas & carrots we were. Like a bee to honey, I wanted to be by & with my daddy. At 2, 11, 19, 25 & 32.
I ran to his side.
After some quiet my dad said he had something to say to me. I sat near his bed, my hand in his.
He recited a few days & events involving me. Things he missed that he shouldn’t have. But that I struggled to even recall.
He worked so hard, so much, so long and in some crazy conditions.
After two or three memories I tried to quiet him & let him know that I understood, of course I understood.... he was not having it.
He finished the list and said “I am so sorry”.
Looked me in the eye and said it.
Oh my heart then and right now.
I started this post with I don’t know why & I mean that.
It’s as if I had to write this post. For one or many of you to read. I couldn’t shake this memory yesterday & now, this morning. I want to tell you that whatever you are doing to survive these days. This pandemic. This Twilight Zone. It’s enough.
Whatever you cook for meals, it’s perfect. Whatever you can clean, fix, make, repair and arrange, it’s absolutely awesome. If you are teaching a child, it’s great, you’ve got this. If you are working from home, everyone knows it. You have kids, a dog, a husband, a wife and a life. Gift yourself a break.
Whatever you are worried about, I’m praying for you right now.
Kids need to feel loved. Taught love. They need rock solid faith. In you. In a higher power. They need to feel safe. They need fed. They need you to shut the game off and sit nose to nose with them, no phones. They need discipline. They need guidance, manners and someone they can count on. A few life lessons here & there and they are all set.
What’s on my heart? What I need for you to know. What I just had to post, was this.
My daddy did everything for me. ALL THAT HE COULD.
He was my hero, my teacher, my preacher, my discipline and my friend. It was so very sweet for him to say what he did with only moments left on this earth. But, that was an apology I never needed. I didn’t ask for, think of or mention. Ever. I remember only how he loved me.
While it touched my heart for him to say he was sorry it also broke it a tiny bit.
He carried that with him for years. He had to.
Please let this daddy’s girl save you from all that you whisper to yourself, about yourself being a good mom or dad during these unfamiliar times.
YOU ARE ENOUGH!
YOU ARE.
God loves you, so do your kids and so do I!
