My name is Carolyn N. I'm a recovered alcoholic. My sobriety date is September 13, 1984.I'm the youngest of three kids. I always had in the back of my mind that I wouldn't ever be good enough. That thought lead me to think of suicide early on.. I took half a bottle of children's vitamins because they tasted good. My first drink was mixing whiskey and kool-aid together and putting water back in the bottle. I started drinking regularly in the twelth grade. I would drink enough to feel good. I became a daily drinker. I went from beer and ended up drinking wine, I got introduced to marijiuana, I smoked a whole joint by myself and remember laughing from that night until noon the next day. At the beginning I knew when I had enough. It started taking more and more. I liked to party. At the last of my using and drinking all my friends deserted me. I didn't like who I was. I would pay my bills on liquor and drugs. When I couldn't afford alcohol and drugs, my first thought was I'll sell my car to buy more drugs and alcohol. Drugs is what bought me in the treatment center. I had an alcoholic mind because my first thought was I'll go to alcohol, it's cheaper. The physical part of it was weighted 85 lbs. My neighbor told me that I looked like death warmed over. I wanted to kill myself, I cried out "God, help me" The thought of going to school came to my mind, I knew my mind needed to be cleared. The urge wasn't there to do drugs or drink for a couple of days. I got asked to a party and went. The next morning, terror, guilt, remorse and fear entered my mind. The next day I went to the nurse and told her that I had a problem and that I could handle it on my own. I went in treatment center, I took a trip to the psych ward because I had a psychotic break. When I went to the treatment center, I would go these meetings and there was laughter, smiles. and the hugs. It was attraction to me. I was hooked. While I was at meetings I kept asking the person next to me if I was okay. I started going to meetings and got a sponsor. I started working the steps. When I came in AA I already worked steps 1-3. I believed without a shadow of a doubt that my Higher Power (God) lead me here. In the treatment center we had to write a case history, God lead me to write what I had to get out the stuff that was blocking me. I did my 4th step as a case history, that was the only way I could do it in the beginning. I couldn't understand the big book. It wasn't until the last 2 1/2 years that I did steps 4-7. I learned about my character defects and what they were, thanks to my wonderful sponsor that I had. In the beginning I got the privelge of speaking at a school while on the Public Information (PI) committee.I got the privelge to work on the ARKYPAA committee.My sponsor kept telling me in the beginning to BE STILL. I couldn't do it because I had so many thoughts coming in my mind. What helped me the last 2 1/2 years was writing Dear God letters and beginning to realize and by studying the big book that the main purpose of the big book is to help you find a power greater than myself that could solve my living problems. I know to look within for the solutions. God will never let me go. He plays a big part in my heart, that is where the Great Reality can be found. I call my higher power the Spirit of the Universe. I read spiritual books to help me on my spiritual journey to get closer to my higher power. Books to tell me to be quiet and find the still small voice inside that will give me peace of mind. All the promises of the big book have came true for me. I want the light of God to shine through me on other people. I share my experience, strength and hope at meetings. I'm growing spiritually. I'm no longer hard on myself and I accept that I am human. God gave me the ability to love myself and live in the NOW.
