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"Good evening...my name is MUD. I will be your concierge for the evening...you will find the rooms here to DIE for! I have personally made sure that your accommodations will be both pleasurable for the OTHERS, and that you will ALSO have NO CHOICE in the matter. Oh, by the way, if you really don't find your stay here to your liking, I will be more than HAPPY to arrange for you to have a nice helicopter ride home for your convenience. So just enjoy yourself... and don't forget, if you need ANYTHING just YELL as LOUD as you like... it won't matter, no one will be able to hear you anyway."
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