My name is Carolyn N. I'm a recovered alcoholic. My sobriety date is September 13, 1984.I'm the youngest of three kids. I always had in the back of my mind that I wouldn't ever be good enough. That thought lead me to think of suicide early on.. I took half a bottle of children's vitamins because they tasted good. My first drink was mixing whiskey and kool-aid together and putting water back in the bottle. I started drinking regularly in the twelth grade. I would drink enough to feel good. I became a daily drinker. I went from beer and ended up drinking wine, I got introduced to marijiuana, I smoked a whole joint by myself and remember laughing from that night until noon the next day. At the beginning I knew when I had enough. It started taking more and more. I liked to party. At the last of my using and drinking all my friends deserted me. I didn't like who I was. I would pay my bills on liquor and drugs. When I couldn't afford alcohol and drugs, my first thought was I'll sell my car to buy more drugs and alcohol. Drugs is what bought me in the treatment center. I had an alcoholic mind because my first thought was I'll go to alcohol, it's cheaper. The physical part of it was weighted 85 lbs. My neighbor told me that I looked like death warmed over. I wanted to kill myself, I cried out "God, help me" The thought of going to school came to my mind, I knew my mind needed to be cleared. The urge wasn't there to do drugs or drink for a couple of days. I got asked to a party and went. The next morning, terror, guilt, remorse and fear entered my mind. The next day I went to the nurse and told her that I had a problem and that I could handle it on my own. I went in treatment center, I took a trip to the psych ward because I had a psychotic break. When I went to the treatment center, I would go these meetings and there was laughter, smiles. and the hugs. It was attraction to me. I was hooked. While I was at meetings I kept asking the person next to me if I was okay. I started going to meetings and got a sponsor. I started working the steps. When I came in AA I already worked steps 1-3. I believed without a shadow of a doubt that my Higher Power (God) lead me here. In the treatment center we had to write a case history, God lead me to write what I had to get out the stuff that was blocking me. I did my 4th step as a case history, that was the only way I could do it in the beginning. I couldn't understand the big book. It wasn't until the last 2 1/2 years that I did steps 4-7. I learned about my character defects and what they were, thanks to my wonderful sponsor that I had. In the beginning I got the privelge of speaking at a school while on the Public Information (PI) committee.I got the privelge to work on the ARKYPAA committee.My sponsor kept telling me in the beginning to BE STILL. I couldn't do it because I had so many thoughts coming in my mind. What helped me the last 2 1/2 years was writing Dear God letters and beginning to realize and by studying the big book that the main purpose of the big book is to help you find a power greater than myself that could solve my living problems. I know to look within for the solutions. God will never let me go. He plays a big part in my heart, that is where the Great Reality can be found. I call my higher power the Spirit of the Universe. I read spiritual books to help me on my spiritual journey to get closer to my higher power. Books to tell me to be quiet and find the still small voice inside that will give me peace of mind. All the promises of the big book have came true for me. I want the light of God to shine through me on other people. I share my experience, strength and hope at meetings. I'm growing spiritually. I'm no longer hard on myself and I accept that I am human. God gave me the ability to love myself and live in the NOW.
I took a half a bottle of children's vitamins because they tasted good. I was young when I had my first drink, it was whiskey and kool-aid. We would put water back in the bottle so our parents wouldn't know. I was in the 12th grade when I really started drinking. I switched from beer and ended up drinking wine. My first time of smoking a joint was a whole one by myself. I remember the high and the laughter that it gave me. After that I got introduced to speed, cocaine and acid.
At the last in 1984, I would start my day off with a half a joint, a hit of speed and a couple of lines of cocaine. After that put on my make-up, no telling what I looked like. All my friends were deserting me becuase I had such a negative attitude. I wasn't a person that anyone wanted to be around. I ended my night the same way. so I didn't get much sleep.
When all my friends deserted me, I wanted to kill myself, took 4 Darvons trying to.
I rember crying out to God, please help me. A week later I was in the treatment center. At that time I got introduced to AA meetings. I didn't know that the meetings were AA, if I would have known I would of said no way. Growing up my meemaw drank and did drugs, when I found out I hated her. I started blaming her for all my mom's heart problems.
One day I got in my car and just started driving, I had my pot with me, the urge wasn't there anymore. My last drunk and high was on a Saturday night when I went to a party. The guilt, remorse and the hate that I felt for myself was so strong. The 4 headed horsemen showed up.
When I couldn't afford drugs anymore, my first thought was I'll go to alcohol, it's cheaper. The insanity was that I even thought about selling my car in order to buy more drugs and alcohol. I finally got up the nerve before work to talk to the nurse at work. I told her that I had a problem with drugs and that I could handle it on my own. She said that sometimes you couldn't do it on your own. I went in the Care Unit for a 28 day program, it turned out to be 60 days. I had a psychotic break and ended up on the psych ward. My doctor told me a year later that he didn't think I would pull out of it.
Welcome to all new members that are joining. To tell you about myself, I have been clean and sober since September 13, 1984, Drugs and alcohol quit working for me. As a child, I took a half of bottle of childrens vitamins because they tasted good. Also my first drink was whiskey and kool-aid together, we would put water back in the bottle so our parents wouldn't know.
"Do what's right in front of you and leave the results to God"
"God has a plan for your life and it will work out the way it's suppose to"
"Bloom where you are planted"
"Make plans but don't plan the results"
"Willingness without action is fantasy"
Welcome to Sobriety Corner where we talk about recovery and not based on a 12th step program where we talk about ourselves and feel free to be honest. We don't judge and be respectful to other members. I created this group for people can talk openly on the solution.
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- Sharing experience, strength and hope and reaching out to one another so you don't have to be alone. Not based on a 12 step program. Just sharing from the heart.